Today was one down right crazy day. Today was D day for my 20 year class reunion. The knot in my stomach started from the time I woke up this morning. (but really the anxiety probably started when I bought the tickets to this event back in July) Would I actually overcome my fears and anxiety and go? If I was so worried about it, why was I even bothering going? I called and made an appointment to get a pedicure at 2pm this morning. I know I'm weird but I just couldn't go without getting one done. And of course, I am sure no one actually looked at my toes, which was kind of sad since they did turn out super cute. I left the house at 1:50pm. As I was going down the hill my tire pressure gauge read 7 on my front passenger side. I was like oh great, now what? I managed to drive to a gas station that was not even a mile from where I was. This was like miracle one. Yesterday my mom and I had driven to bear lake and I am so grateful the flat tire didn't happen yesterday. The gas station had a air machine so I thought I will just air up the tires long enough to get to the tire store. I swiped my credit card and couldn't get anything to work multiple times. I didn't have cash to try and pay that way so I went into the convenience store to try and get cash back. Of course, they didn't allow for you to get cash back to get quarters so I went back out to my car.
Sitting in the ac I decided I would have to try and reschedule my pedicure to a later time but they were completely booked and said I would have to come tomorrow. Next call was to my sister to see where she was at to see if she could bring me some cash. She was ten minutes away at target. So she was going to come to my rescue. As I was waiting for her, I noticed a phone number on the air machine and called it to see if I was doing something wrong. After atleast 7 or 8 rings a guy answers and says it is likely that the swipe is bad on my card and that's why it wasn't working. So I tried again with a different card, and success the machine turned on. As I was airing my tire my sister showed up. I was able to air to about 40 and had her follow me to Les Schwab tires. After dropping my car off I was thankful she was able to take me home so that I didn't have to wait there for 2 hours for it to get done.
Next I was able to find another nail place that I could get a pedicure at at 4pm, so that was also a blessing. Again, I know a dumb thing to most people, but literally come hell or high water I was going to get my toes done before this reunion.
So interesting side note were two promptings that I didn't recognize as promptings that I realized after the fact were. First-earlier in the week I knew I was going to want this pedicure but I kept procrastinating it and anytime I thought about just getting it on Friday, something nudged my mind, saying but what if something comes up Friday and throws off all your plans. Of course I dismissed it, thinking, that is a silly thought. So super interesting that I ended up getting a flat tire and wasn't able to make my appointment. Here is what I think. Everything happens for a reason. I think there was a reason I wasn't supposed to go to that nail place today. Maybe someone there had covid, maybe I would have gotten in a wreck on the way. And obviously there is no way of knowing what might have happened, but I am happier I never had to find out.
So next missed prompting. After my sister dropped me off and I had this time to kill before my 4pm nail appointment, I decided to watch a show to try and distract myself for the ever growing anxiety that was starting to become all consuming about going to this reunion. I kept having thoughts like, you really should start getting ready. Do your makeup atleast, don't wait to get ready after your nail appointment, you are going to have less time than you think. But I put it off and I put it off and I put it off and just went to my nail appointment at 4. My nail appointment took an hour and I rushed home to feed the dogs and start to do my makeup. After calling my sister I found out my mom could take me back to get my car in approx 15 min. The reunion was being held up at Solitude Ski Resort starting at 6:30pm. And by the time my mom brought me back to the house to finish my hair it was already 5:30. And not that I needed to be the first one there or anything, but I didn't want to be so late that it would be dumb to even go.
As I am getting ready, my heart is about to pound right out of my chest with anxiety. So I stop everything and take a minute to say a prayer because I was about two seconds away from dipping into Charlie's fireworks Xanax stash. I prayed for comfort, for my anxiety to go away, for those that I see and meet to look past all the weight I have put on over the years and not focus on that but just to appreciate me for me. I prayed that those I talked with would be kind to me and that I could leave a good impression with whoever I interacted with. Immediately as the prayer ended my butterflies and the giant lump in my chest were completely gone. I am so grateful for answered prayers!!
So I finish getting ready and leave the house. It is approx 6pm at this point. Of course, I was thinking several times, why did I wait to do my makeup and hair that could have been done before my nail appointment... I don't get very far down the street before I realize two things. One I really should have an umbrella. It has been off and on raining this whole day and that would be so dumb to get drenched at solitude after all of the time I spent on my hair and makeup. And second, I could really use another application of deodorant. So I turn back around and grab those two items. I have been kind of a crazy lady in and out of the house all day today, so I am sure the dogs are like, what is going on.
Now it is 6:15pm and I'm like well, I guess I will just be fashionably late. So I head to Solitude. I am watching my tire pressure dial read 40 for the patched tire and 48 for all the other tires. I was pretty irritated because I thought, why would the tire place not have matched the pressure in all the tires so my indicator didn't kept reading as red? But I couldn't complain because they didn't even charge me for patching the tire. I continued to watch it and thought, I guess as long as it doesn't dip below 40, I should be ok I think. As I drove, I cranked my Pandora country music station to distract myself from the upcoming events. And because of answered prayers, even though I was still nervous, my anxiety was really gone which made it so much more bearable.
A couple items to note. First, even though I had ignored the prompting on getting a pedicure done earlier in the week, I believe I was still protected against what maybe could have happened. And even though I ignored the prompting to get ready earlier so that I wouldn't have been so stressed and so late, it did all work out in the end. But obviously could have maybe avoided additional headaches and inconveniences had I actually followed those promptings.
Additionally, I should probably address the reasons that caused my high anxiety in the first place. First, I am a total introvert with ever increasing social phobias. If it weren't for church and work and interactions that force me to interact with people, I would be a complete hermit. I have fewer close friends than I can count on both hands in my almost 38 years of life. For me, Hen, my family, and dogs are more than enough most days. Social situations and interactions with people are emotionally and mentally draining especially in large groups of people. I don't feel that I struggle in small groups, or with people that really know me. But large groups, forget it! I will literally need a day to recoup after this.
Next reason for anxiety. I am fairly sure my exboyfriend from high school will be there with his wife. Our breakup in high school was extremely painful and left scars miles deep for years. In the last couple of months we actually reconnected to bury some hatchets, which is actually part of the reason I was even braving my reunion. Had we not patched things up, I would not have had the courage to see him.
And obviously the last literally giant reason for anxiety, my weight. For those that are around me in my everyday life, really have no concept what I looked like in high school. A whole 120 pounds soaken wet. I didn't start putting on the majority of my weight until my college and married years. So by going to my high school reunion, I was having to visually admit to everyone (even though I knew so few people) what I had done to my body over the years. And obviously nobody wants an exboyfriend to see them looking like that. And even though we had patched some things up, of course I was still nervous to see him and his wife. What did she know about me? What would she think of me? What would he think of me? Would we all shake hands? Would there be hugs? How awkward was this going to be? So glad I don't have to worry about him reading this! LOL. And let's not forget to mention that my social crutch, Hen, could not get off work to go with me. So would I just look like a total loser going by myself?
Ok, so because life is a funny thing and timing is such a funny thing. Of course after I pull into my parking spot at around 7pm, who pulls in literally five cars away? I swear you can't make this stuff up!!!!! With everything that happened today, and note my graduating class had like 800 people in it. How in the world, did He and I arrive at the same time?? I saw the back of his head, and decided to quickly start walking through Solitude Village to get to the reunion. I am sure him and his wife were less than 20 feet walking behind me. I knew I had to trudge up a hill to get to the restaurant, and would be slow and likely out of breath, so was not ready to greet them yet. I was so grateful that they passed me and didn't notice me going up the hill. (or if they did they thankfully ignored me) I was also grateful when a set of 4 guys also passed me and continued up the hill. We all arrived to the line to get nametags. I decided to chat with the guys around me, although I didn't recognize any of them. Obviously my ex was mere feet from me but hadn't noticed me yet, so I decided to just continue to wait.
Then I hear from behind me, "I recognize that voice." I turn around and said, "Well I guess we might as well rip off the bandaid." He gave me a hug and then his wife gave me a hug. I have to admit I was not expecting his wife to give me a hug, because honestly I really don't know what she knows about our history, maybe she wouldn't have been so quick to give me a hug... She seemed very nice and I am sure that she was. It was nice to rip off that bandaid at the beginning so that I could just enjoy the rest of the night.
And I did enjoy myself. I talked to probably 30-40 people out of the probably 150 that were there and walked up to random people and just started conversations. My ex and I didn't have any more interactions that night, but obviously it was hard not be cognizant of where he was in the room when my eyes would scan the space. At almost 10pm and talking to so many different people, I decided I had stayed long enough and could start making my way home. As I walked down the hill to my car, it was pretty pitch black outside. I had to use the flashlight on my phone to try and not trip. The air felt so crisp and cool, that when I got to my car I opened my windows and my sunroof. And of course it had rained and when I went to backup the car, a bucket of water poured in through my sunroof onto me and the passenger seat. Sometimes I am so dumb. I should have waited until I had gone down the canyon part way before opening the sun roof....
I called Hen and my mom and recounted the events of the night. I think my mom was as worried for me as I was and I know she was relieved to hear that I had survived and that it had gone well.
As I thought about it more and more, I decided I was really proud of myself. I don't know that I have ever even been super proud of myself in my life. I literally felt like I had climbed my emotional Mount Everest tonight. So many things had to fall in place to have made this evening possible. I know that our Savior, Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost are aware of us and are in the details of our lives. I faced so many giant fears tonight because of their help. For years I have said that you could not pay me all the money in the world to relive my high school years that ended up being traumatic and painful for me.
And I also said that I would never attend a high school reunion in a million years. I guess never say never right?!? For years I was so terrified of anyone from high school seeing what my body looks like now. And I managed to survive the night without anyone pointing at me and laughing, ok, they may have done that in their minds, but atleast I didn't have to see it. My two embarrassing moments of the night because I am just that special... First I was talking with a couple and my earring fell off down inside my shirt and I literally had to fish it out of my cleavage...shaking my head. Second embarrassing moment, I was walking down the stairs inside the building and tripped and was luckily able to catch myself on the banister. I quickly looked around to see if anyone noticed. I think very few. I am just so glad I didn't actually fall and sprain my ankle.
I joked with Hen. I bet this is what it feels like when gay people come out of the closet. It's like I came out of the fat closet tonight, Lol. Of course Hen jokingly said, you mean the pantry? Lol. It really felt so freeing. Just showing up was having to admit what I had allowed to happen to my body. After tonight even though I am not physically lighter, I actually feel a hundred pounds lighter mentally and emotionally. And obviously the fact of the matter is, many other people had put on weight and plenty of guys were now bald and we all had aged. Of course, there were still the tiny gorgeous girls from high school who were still tiny and gorgeous, but I give them credit because they were still insanely nice to me when I talked to them. In fact, everyone I interacted with was insanely nice whether they remembered me or not.
I didn't make any new "friends" per se, but I did actually enjoy myself just meeting people and having a reason to dress up for the occasion. At times it felt like when Hen and I have been on cruises and have just talked with total strangers. I am sure it also helped that I am still on my sabbatical so didn't have the added stress of working today before the event. I walked away learning so much about myself. I can still do truly hard things. I know I do hard things in life all the time. My job is not easy, school wasn't easy, church isn't even always easy, but this was a whole other level of hard that I was shocked I didn't chicken out on. I doubt anyone will really remember me from tonight and that's ok. Just jumping out of that airplane was accomplishment enough.
Here is a pick of me dolled up before I left and one of my cute toes that no one probably noticed.
Beautiful pics at Solitude
