Day 2

 

It's Saturday morning again and my second shift at the temple will start in a couple of hours. I was in a fairly good mood and headed over to the distribution center with my letter in hand that read: for first time ordinance workers we could receive a discount on one dress and one pair of shoes. As I arrived at the store, the Sister to greet me made me feel like I was in the temple already with her warmth and kindness. She helped me to pick out a new dress to order and a new pair of comfy white shoes. 

  

I checked out and walked to the car. I opened the car door to hear, riiiiippp. The capri pants I was wearing tore. Tears began to pour like a faucet. I knew I had put on weight since my recent surgery and I know these pants were probably 10+ years old, and had been washed atleast 50 times over the summers, but still the event of it happening was so upsetting. I sat in the car and tried to think positively. In prayer, I expressed my gratitude for it not happening in the store as I bent over to try on shoes. The humiliation would have been unbearable. 

As I drove away the tears didn't stop. I called Hen. I told him what happened. He being the best husband as always said "who cares about that", "those were old pants", "no upset". He has always been so kind to me when it comes to these situations. So many husbands would have responded with, "You should lose weight", "It's your own fault". I'm not saying those things aren't true, but in that moment that is the last thing you want to hear. And I am so grateful to him for always saying the right thing in those moments. 

As I drove home I thought about my weight. For those that know me, know I never talk about it. Not only is it the "elephant in the room", and people are kind enough not to mention it, but I am in fact that elephant. I have not always been this size, believe it or not. The weight didn't come on until college after I had been on some medication that drastically changed my metabolism. Then after years of bad choices and not enough exercise, that has brought me to where I am today. I am sure so many in my life can't fathom why I haven't done anything about it up to this point, and I am grateful that no one bothers me about it. The funny thing is I had actually lost almost 30 pounds last year prior to my surgery in February and then strict rules after my surgery for 6 weeks of basically not doing anything was enough for me to put it all back on. And since it was covid and no one saw me, they didn't know I had actually accomplished that small feat. But it was all for nothing, and I probably weigh more than I ever have now, but I don't even want to look at a scale to find out. 

I know you are thinking Kara, it's just math. Eat fewer calories and burn more calories and you will drop the weight in no time. But for whatever reason, this a trial I have caused myself to endure and I haven't had the willpower to overcome it yet. So I appreciate the continued patience around me of letting me figure this weakness out on my own because frankly I don't want to talk about it. 

As I drove home I was reminded of what is positive about being so overweight, or morbidly obese as some doctors like to remind you. Everyday that I carry this weight helps me not to judge others. We all sin differently and I can never cast any stones because all I have to do is look in the mirror. I believe carrying this weight has given me the ability to have so much compassion for others over the years and I am grateful for that. That person over there addicted to alcohol, that person over there addicted to drugs, or addicted to tattoos or any other kind of addiction, I feel like we are all in the same boat, battling our addictions for the world to see. When the truth is everyone has an addiction in some way shape or form, but not everyone literally wears it for everyone to see everyday of their life. The funny part that you may find hard to believe, is that I actually 99% of the time forget that I am fat, until an event like this happens or I go up a staircase and can't catch my breath. Even when I look in mirrors, I am always looking at my face more than the rest of my body. So these experiences always wake me up to the harsh reality of what I have done to my body over the years.

The tears continued until I got home, and as I ate my lunch. Hen wiped my tears away as he passed by. I didn't even want to eat, but knew that I would not feel well at the temple if I didn't eat before I went. I would have definitely had heartburn at the very least for not eating and would have possibly have felt faint since it was 1pm already and I had skipped breakfast.

I was finally able to feel a little better as I showed off my new temple shoes and my temple name tag to Hen. I started to get excited that I was going to the temple again.

He left for work at the same time I was leaving for the temple, we waved and he said "you will do great, don't worry!" He knew I was nervous because today would be the first day I would be performing a ceremony I had never done before. 

I drove to the temple keeping a close eye on the speedometer. I didn't want to speed this week. I checked for the policeman by the golf course, he wasn't there. As I drove, I said a prayer of gratitude for working air conditioning in the car as the outside temperature reflected 100 degrees. The ac felt so cool and refreshing. I also expressed gratitude for that sweet sister at the store earlier. I was so grateful for her kindness before my upsetting situation. It is such a great reminder that we should be kind to everyone because you never know what battles they are facing or are about to face.

It felt nice to be on week two and know at least where to go and what to do in small ways. I went straight to the locker room and changed into my temple whites which are a white blouse, a white skirt, white stockings, and white shoes (my new comfy shoes). I got there early enough that I had a few moments to ponder before our training started while a sister played hymns at the piano. 

I sang the lyrics in my head. 

One song in particular stood out to me because of the events of that morning, in particular verses 2-4. 

1. Savior, may I learn to love thee,

Walk the path that thou hast shown,

Pause to help and lift another,

Finding strength beyond my own.

Savior, may I learn to love thee—

Lord, I would follow thee.

2. Who am I to judge another

When I walk imperfectly?

In the quiet heart is hidden

Sorrow that the eye can’t see.

Who am I to judge another?

Lord, I would follow thee.

3. I would be my brother’s keeper;

I would learn the healer’s art.

To the wounded and the weary

I would show a gentle heart.

I would be my brother’s keeper—

Lord, I would follow thee.

4. Savior, may I love my brother

As I know thou lovest me,

Find in thee my strength, my beacon,

For thy servant I would be.

Savior, may I love my brother—

Lord, I would follow thee.

I love this song, probably because I can relate to it so much. In my "quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see", and because of this I show a "gentle heart" as much as possible to those around me because I know we are all "wounded and weary" in one way or another. I'm not perfect at this but really do try to reflect on myself before passing judgement on others. It is definitely not something that comes naturally to any of us, but is something I have worked on over the years to be a little better at everyday.

Of course the tears returned as I felt comforted by the Holy Ghost, that while this trial of mine may be self inflicted, it is one that has a purpose for me to learn from while in this mortal existence.

As I sat in our prayer meeting looking around at all the beautiful sisters, I literally felt like I was in the presence of angels. The light of Christ shines so brightly through their eyes and through their countenance. Their smiles bring so much peace and calmness to my heart when I see them. As I was admiring them, a line from my patriarchal blessing was brought to the forefront of my mind "You will be called to responsible positions in the Church. You will do those things that are accomplished by the most faithful women of the Church." 

I was taken back, I definitely don't see myself as "one of the most faithful women of the Church." I have such a long way to go, but I am grateful that our Heavenly Father sees us for what we can become and not just what we are at that moment. 

I am grateful for patriarchal blessings that teach us different things at different times in our life and that remind us who we are, why we are here, and what we can accomplish through our obedience and faithfulness. My patriarchal blessing has brought me so much comfort over the years. I received it when I was 16 and while some blessings may not come in this life, I have faith they can come in the next.

After our prayer meeting and training for some changes that would be happening as phase 3 starts this week, it was then time to go and perform sacred ordinances for those who may have accepted the gospel of Jesus Christ into their lives in the Spirit World and are waiting for us to perform these for them by proxy.

There is a double staircase that goes up to the 1st floor from the lower level. Last week I had "run" up the stairs, because again, I forgot that I was fat and was in a hurry, and literally couldn't catch my breath for like 2 minutes after and looked ridiculous in front of some other sisters. So I thought I would avoid that this week by taking the elevator.

I walked to the elevator to find 3 sisters waiting there to go up. They seemed to all know each other and were going to be serving at the Layton temple as soon as it opened up. They had carpooled together and appeared to have known each other for a long time. Because the elevator took longer than usual we had more time to chat and get to know each other. 

We made it to the room where we would be performing these special ordinances. There were probably a total of 20 sisters there all together. As they started to separate the groups into fours the ladies I rode the elevator with stood up and motioned to me to come be apart of their group. I don't think I have mentioned it yet, but there isn't anyone on my shift that I know. Their warm invitation brought joy to my heart.  Because of the sacred spiritual nature of these ordinances, I won't go into detail, but I can share with you that it was a special experience to get to perform those ordinances for those who had passed on. At one point or another as the 4 of us rotated doing the 5 names, each of us was touched by the spirit at a different time, as quiet tears slowly ran down our cheeks. As we finished we all commented on the joy we know those sisters felt to have their work done. One sister commented, I did not know I would feel the spirit so strong, another said, those sisters were so kind to let us do their work even though we are just learning, another sister with a strong Australian accent said, the spirit was on fire in there! We all exchanged hugs, having bonded over such a sweet experience.

After that we were done for the night and got to go home a little early. I felt such a peace as I left the temple. I always feel at peace when I leave the temple, but something felt a little bit different today. I think it was an additional calmness that had come over me after being able to participant in something so special and being in the presence of those earthly angels. Additionally I had also felt the love of our Savior through the Holy Ghost that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what they needed me to do. 

That is why I love the quote at the top of this page that I came across "There are two types of tired: One that requires rest, and one that requires peace". In my life I have only been able to feel this peace when I have drawn nearer to our Savior through prayer, through uplifting music, repentance, obedience, and most of all, time spent in the temple. Our souls truly need peace. Just like our bodies need air to breathe, our souls need rest from the world from time to time. 

I arrived home and fell asleep quickly, mentally and emotionally exhausted from the events of the day. Later on I picked up my sister in the golf cart and we came back and sat in the hottub for a while. It was nice just to chat and float around. I am glad she lives so close, I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do. I am grateful for the time we have been able to spend together since she moved around the corner.